So...I decided what I was going to do for my New Year's resolution (besides the whole eating more healthy, lose weight, etc.)...and I am SO excited for it!!! I am going to try to not tell for a while, so I don't ruin it for those that are involved. :) If you really want to know you can ask...but I'm not going to put on here what it is. :)
I decided on doing something that if someone did it for me it would put a smile on my face...so I am going to try to do it for others. I smile each time I think about it...so we shall see how it goes. :)
I am so excited about it...I'd better get off here before I ruin my surprise!! :)
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
New Years and what to do...
I am trying to figure out what I want to do for New Years. I don't want to make actual "resolutions"...I want to do something different. I'm thinking of a list of things that are achievable but I have to actually work for them. I hate saying the "normal" I'm going to lose weight, not spend as much, stick to a budget, etc., etc.
If you have any ideas or something that you are planning on doing...please let me know. I am open to suggestions!!!
If you have any ideas or something that you are planning on doing...please let me know. I am open to suggestions!!!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Happy 8th Birthday Becca
Talk about time flying by...my Miracle baby is 8 today!!! After 4 miscarriages I was told to look into donor eggs, adoption, told I would pretty much not be able to carry a child of my own...but even Doctors get it wrong sometimes!!!
You are never in a hurry. I went in at 7:30 for a Doctor's appointment and they sent me to the hospital to be induced because I had too much fluid, so they started the induction at 9am and you were born the following day at 4:00am. It took over 2 hours of pushing to bring you into this world...you weren't in any hurry to get here...but I couldn't wait to have you and see your beautiful face!!
You are stubborn and head strong. You are always right...or at least you ALWAYS think you are. You always want the last word with everyone (including your teachers). In my opinion I think this is going to be a great trait for when you are older, you will know what you want and you will fight to get it. When you are 8...you need to listen to your elders. :)
You are beautiful!! You have an angel kiss on your forehead that I was so concerned about when you were little, all I wanted was for it to go away, and it did for the most part. However, lately I have seen it on your forehead a lot more...and now I know why you have it...it was placed there so your Gee-ma could kiss you from Heaven. She's your angel...and she is still kissing you from up there!!
You are very smart!! And I am so proud of you for that!!! You get good grades and you LOVE school...keep it up...it will take you FAR!!
You are all GIRL. Pink, Purple, dresses, skirts, dolls, dress-up, Barbies, Liv dolls, etc., etc
You are LOVED so much, and you LOVE others!! I knew I wanted you way before you were conceived, but I never knew how much I could love you, until you were born. You care about others and their feelings and you hate to disappoint or upset them. That is a true friend and a person that others want to be around...that is a trait that you inherited from your family!!
Happy Birthday my beautiful Daughter!!! I love you!!!!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
My baby turns 4 today
Wow...my little man is 4 today!! Where did the time go?? So much has happened in your 4 years here, I can't believe it.When I found out I was pregnant with you I could not believe I was carrying a boy. I asked the nurse "are you sure?"...I swore you were a girl. :) At first I was unsure of having a baby boy, but the minute you were born I was sure glad you were YOU.
You have no patience...which from the minute my labor started I should have known. I kept telling the nurse "he's coming, he's coming, I'm not pushing, but he's coming"...and you were out in 2 pushes!! The Dr. barely had time to get ready.
You are head-strong and know what you want. You always have been, and I wouldn't think any different!!
You are loving and caring. You LOVE to snuggle with your Mom...however my snuggle time has gone down the older you get, you still love to give me hugs and "smoooches".
You are giving. You will give someone something for no reason other than you want to. You give without being asked, and that's something that we aren't used to in this house with your siblings. You are so giving...and this makes me extremely happy...I think you got that from your Gee-ma!!
You are ALL boy!! I enjoy watching you play, learn, and grow. You are completely different from your sister...she enjoys "girl" things and you are out there digging in the dirt, playing with cars, figuring out how things work, etc., etc. You pee standing up...and are very happy when there is one of those "stand up kind" in the public restrooms.
You make me smile!! And some days I really need it!!! I love you baby boy!!!
Happy Birthday!!!!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Catch up time
OK...I know I said I would be better about this...I'm sorry!!! We've had a busy month of December, so I will try to get it all down and add pictures. (I know...quit holding your breath...I think I can do it!!)
So, the month of December flew by us and was over before we knew it. We got back from Illinois at the end of November and knew that we only had about 3 weeks before our company got in town for the holidays. I worked hard at getting the house in order and presents bought and that was how I spent most of the beginning of the month. I also started baking and using Mom's Kitchenaid stand mixer a lot...which by the way...I am in LOVE with!! Cooking and baking have been something that keeps me occupied and I seem to be enjoying...so that is something positive for me!! :)
The kids finished up school in December with parties and such and then we were off to Dallas to pick up Kent for the holidays on Sunday the 19th. He flew in on Monday morning and we then headed home with a stop in Waco to see Baylor and to go through the Texas Ranger Museum (not the baseball team). He seemed to have a great time here, and the kids thoroughly enjoyed having him. He went on walks to the park, played Wii, and just hung out with them...which they LOVED. He made memories with them that they will have forever...which was really good for all of us, especially this year.
It was just the 6 of us for Christmas, Katie and Troy were leaving Illinois on Monday after Christmas and heading down. I thought Christmas went very well...and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. We opened presents, had breakfast, hung out and played all day, and then had beef brisket for dinner. It was a great day!!! Katie and Troy got here on tuesday afternoon and we hung out a lot and didn't do a whole lot of anything...it was really nice!!!! New Year's Eve we hung out here at our house and played games and ate and had a great day.
Everyone packed up and left Saturday morning around 11am...and I went into depression and didn't get out of bed till Sunday night...it was terrible. My cousin's wife wrote me a note and pretty much summed it all up: I put off dealing with my mom not being with us on Christmas and New Years because we had company and I was so excited to have people down here with us, then when they left I dealt with all of the emotions of them leaving and the emotions of my Mom not here anymore...wow..too much to comprehend or deal with (at least in my opinion)
So, we are back into our "normal" routine, or at least as normal as I can right now. It's very lonely down here with no family and also really with no friends. I am not the most outgoing person, and I am home all day...so I don't have a lot of chances to make friends. I know...it will happen...but sometimes I get really down just trying to get through the day. Anyways...that is where we are and where we have been for the month of December. 2 birthdays tomorrow and Friday...Wow...where does the time go?? My babies are another year older!! Now some pictures:
The kids with Papa at the Texas Ranger Museum
Kent and the Brazos (there is a Country song about the Brazos and he wanted his picture by it)
The kids with Santa at Jason's work
All of us at the Bass Pro Shop
So, the month of December flew by us and was over before we knew it. We got back from Illinois at the end of November and knew that we only had about 3 weeks before our company got in town for the holidays. I worked hard at getting the house in order and presents bought and that was how I spent most of the beginning of the month. I also started baking and using Mom's Kitchenaid stand mixer a lot...which by the way...I am in LOVE with!! Cooking and baking have been something that keeps me occupied and I seem to be enjoying...so that is something positive for me!! :)
The kids finished up school in December with parties and such and then we were off to Dallas to pick up Kent for the holidays on Sunday the 19th. He flew in on Monday morning and we then headed home with a stop in Waco to see Baylor and to go through the Texas Ranger Museum (not the baseball team). He seemed to have a great time here, and the kids thoroughly enjoyed having him. He went on walks to the park, played Wii, and just hung out with them...which they LOVED. He made memories with them that they will have forever...which was really good for all of us, especially this year.
It was just the 6 of us for Christmas, Katie and Troy were leaving Illinois on Monday after Christmas and heading down. I thought Christmas went very well...and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. We opened presents, had breakfast, hung out and played all day, and then had beef brisket for dinner. It was a great day!!! Katie and Troy got here on tuesday afternoon and we hung out a lot and didn't do a whole lot of anything...it was really nice!!!! New Year's Eve we hung out here at our house and played games and ate and had a great day.
Everyone packed up and left Saturday morning around 11am...and I went into depression and didn't get out of bed till Sunday night...it was terrible. My cousin's wife wrote me a note and pretty much summed it all up: I put off dealing with my mom not being with us on Christmas and New Years because we had company and I was so excited to have people down here with us, then when they left I dealt with all of the emotions of them leaving and the emotions of my Mom not here anymore...wow..too much to comprehend or deal with (at least in my opinion)
So, we are back into our "normal" routine, or at least as normal as I can right now. It's very lonely down here with no family and also really with no friends. I am not the most outgoing person, and I am home all day...so I don't have a lot of chances to make friends. I know...it will happen...but sometimes I get really down just trying to get through the day. Anyways...that is where we are and where we have been for the month of December. 2 birthdays tomorrow and Friday...Wow...where does the time go?? My babies are another year older!! Now some pictures:
The kids with Papa at the Texas Ranger Museum
Kent and the Brazos (there is a Country song about the Brazos and he wanted his picture by it)
The kids with Santa at Jason's work
All of us at the Bass Pro ShopSunday, December 12, 2010
Nights are the worst
So, it's now 3:43am and I am totally, and completely awake. Never mind that I drank some coffee at 10:00pm (caffeine never had that affect on me in the past), but the nights seem to be the worst time of day (or night) for me. If I am not 99% almost asleep when I lay down, I lay there and think of Mom and everything she went through in the last year. And I cry, and cry, and cry. I try to do it quietly, but lately I just sob and I have to get up and leave the room so I don't wake Jason. When we were home for Thanksgiving is when it started, and it's been bad ever since.
When I think of my Mom, all I can think of is the last year. When I picture her, I picture her when I saw her in July, with hardly any hair and thin as can be from the chemo. I try my hardest to think of happy times and the times when she had beautiful hair and she was a healthy weight...but I can't remember her like that. I will never forget calling Jason when I saw her in July and saying to him, "The next time I see my Mom, it's going to be for her funeral." ...and I was right. I miss my Mom so much my heart hurts. Life's lessons suck!!! I am so mad that I have to live the rest of my life without my Mom. What lesson is this teaching me?? Because right now I am failing at life or at least I feel like I'm failing. I'm not the parent or the wife I want to be. I have NO friends here in Texas. And I am so lonely 90% of the time, that I pretty much hate life right now.
I just don't know how to move on, and part of me doesn't know if I even want to.
I miss you Mom more than you will ever know!!!!
When I think of my Mom, all I can think of is the last year. When I picture her, I picture her when I saw her in July, with hardly any hair and thin as can be from the chemo. I try my hardest to think of happy times and the times when she had beautiful hair and she was a healthy weight...but I can't remember her like that. I will never forget calling Jason when I saw her in July and saying to him, "The next time I see my Mom, it's going to be for her funeral." ...and I was right. I miss my Mom so much my heart hurts. Life's lessons suck!!! I am so mad that I have to live the rest of my life without my Mom. What lesson is this teaching me?? Because right now I am failing at life or at least I feel like I'm failing. I'm not the parent or the wife I want to be. I have NO friends here in Texas. And I am so lonely 90% of the time, that I pretty much hate life right now.
I just don't know how to move on, and part of me doesn't know if I even want to.
I miss you Mom more than you will ever know!!!!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Trying to live through the holidays
I can not believe that Christmas is 16 days away...wow...where does the time go???
On the outside I am doing pretty well dealing with the holidays and all of the pressures and issues that go along with it. However on the inside I am crumbling away. Christmas is my Mom's favorite holiday...she LOVED it...she LOVED giving and would have been completely happy if she never received anything, she just loved giving to others.
I am having trouble trying to figure out how to manage, how to enjoy the holiday without my Mom here...and I am failing miserably. My insides are constantly hurting and I at times just have trouble living. How do I enjoy myself when my mom is gone? How do I laugh and smile and carry on when she isn't anymore?? I know...it's what she would want...but I just don't believe it. Of course she would not want me hurting, but would she really want me to just "go on"?? Wouldn't she rather me think of her, remember her, and carry on everything she was??
Jason is pushing for me to go talk to a grief counselor and part of me thinks it might be a good idea, but the thought of telling someone that I don't know that I have a problem...not sure I can do it. He talked to the Priest at our church and he knows the best grief counselor here in San Antonio and he doesn't take new patients, unless you mention that the priest referred you. They also will bill insurance and if your insurance doesn't cover this, then they will bill the church, so no money has to be spent out of your pocket...which is amazing!!!
So...it's something I need to think about. I am just unsure if it is something that I want to do...even though I know it will help in the end.
So, I know all of you that read this aren't therapists...but if you have any ideas for me on how to get through the holidays...I would really appreciate anything!!!
On the outside I am doing pretty well dealing with the holidays and all of the pressures and issues that go along with it. However on the inside I am crumbling away. Christmas is my Mom's favorite holiday...she LOVED it...she LOVED giving and would have been completely happy if she never received anything, she just loved giving to others.
I am having trouble trying to figure out how to manage, how to enjoy the holiday without my Mom here...and I am failing miserably. My insides are constantly hurting and I at times just have trouble living. How do I enjoy myself when my mom is gone? How do I laugh and smile and carry on when she isn't anymore?? I know...it's what she would want...but I just don't believe it. Of course she would not want me hurting, but would she really want me to just "go on"?? Wouldn't she rather me think of her, remember her, and carry on everything she was??
Jason is pushing for me to go talk to a grief counselor and part of me thinks it might be a good idea, but the thought of telling someone that I don't know that I have a problem...not sure I can do it. He talked to the Priest at our church and he knows the best grief counselor here in San Antonio and he doesn't take new patients, unless you mention that the priest referred you. They also will bill insurance and if your insurance doesn't cover this, then they will bill the church, so no money has to be spent out of your pocket...which is amazing!!!
So...it's something I need to think about. I am just unsure if it is something that I want to do...even though I know it will help in the end.
So, I know all of you that read this aren't therapists...but if you have any ideas for me on how to get through the holidays...I would really appreciate anything!!!
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