Well, 3 weeks ago tonight we were coming over to Springfield for my Mom's surgery. Wow, I can't believe it's been 3 weeks. We are in the home stretch...the Dr's are saying they are going to let her go home Thursday or Friday. I don't think I've seen such a big smile on her face as when they said that for a long time. She is SO ready to go home.
These 3 weeks have put a lot of things in perspective for me. When faced with a life/death situation (I know her situation wasn't necessarily life/death right now, but if she would have decided to do nothing...it would have been death), you really think about things and realize how some things are so important to you, while others that you thought were important, really aren't. My kids and Jason are the most important part of my life, I have missed being with them and seeing them everyday. My mom has to be the next most important thing. Before her surgery I kept thinking of all of the what-if's...what-if she dies, what-if she's not here to see her grandkids grow up, what-if the Dr's screw up, etc. I had a hard time of thinking about the "when this is over with and she's fine" details. I was scared, I cried, I screamed, I showed more emotion than I had in a long time. Has my mom's life changed? Oh yeah. Has she changed? No. She is still the most caring, loving, compassionate person I have ever met.
I wish I was able to stay home everyday with my kids. I wish I didn't have to work or that we made more money so that this could be a possibility. I love what I do and I love our participants, it just sucks to know that I only see my kids/family maybe 3-4 hours out of a day. I hate that!! I want to raise our children, and right now other people are. You can't make-up all that time you missed out on during the weekend...it's not possible. During these last 3 weeks, I have missed a lot of time with my kids. Do I regret my decision to be here with my mom...absolutely not...I would do it all again. We are just ready to go home, and be a family again!!!
Hopefully on thursday or friday we will be headed to: Home Sweet Home!!!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Mom's surgery
Wednesday, October 7th, had to have been the longest day of my life.
Katie and I didn't go to the hospital with my Mom and Kent, we showered and then headed over and got there about 6:00am. She was in the pre-op room already, so we just hung out in there and watched some TV while the Dr's came in to see her. They took her back at 7:30 and said they would call us with updates.
We went down to the surgical waiting room and waited for the first phone call. The nurse called at 8:30 and said that she was under, her body was prepped and they were starting the first part of the surgery. Dr. Johnson had told us the first part would be checking the lymph nodes in the groin and up near her kidney. If the nodes up near her kidney were cancerous he would cancel the surgery, that would have meant that the cancer had spread too much. We waited and waited on that phone call telling us if the surgery was continuing. About 10:30 the nurse called back and said that Dr. Johnson was almost done with his part: hysterectomy/vulvectomy. I asked about the lymph nodes and the nurse said that he had taken about 6 nodes out and all he knew was 1 was positive and 1 was negative. I asked where the positive one was and explained about how Dr. Johnson had said he would cancel the surgery if 1 was positive...he said it must all be good because he went ahead with surgery. That was the biggest relief of the day.
We got phone calls from the nurses every 2 hours for the rest of the day. Each of the Doctors except Dr. Johnson had come out after their part and said how well surgery was going and they were very pleased with how well she was handling it. About 5:00 the nurse called and said Dr. Johnson was finishing up and he thought he would be done by 6:30. Well, 6:30 came and went and then of course we went into panic mode again. At 7:30 (12 hours of surgery) Dr. Johnson came out and said "Divine intervention was on her side today, she did Great!!" I don't think he thought that the nodes around her kidneys had cancer in them, but I think it was in the back of his mind that they might. We then waited another 2 hours till they got her moved up to ICU, then we headed up there to tell her we loved her and we would see her in the morning. She was alert and shook her head after we each told her how great she did and that we loved her.
I always knew my mom was strong, and this proved how much!! I am so proud of her and SO glad that the cancer is out of her body and we are on the road to recovery. I love her SO much!!!
Katie and I didn't go to the hospital with my Mom and Kent, we showered and then headed over and got there about 6:00am. She was in the pre-op room already, so we just hung out in there and watched some TV while the Dr's came in to see her. They took her back at 7:30 and said they would call us with updates.
We went down to the surgical waiting room and waited for the first phone call. The nurse called at 8:30 and said that she was under, her body was prepped and they were starting the first part of the surgery. Dr. Johnson had told us the first part would be checking the lymph nodes in the groin and up near her kidney. If the nodes up near her kidney were cancerous he would cancel the surgery, that would have meant that the cancer had spread too much. We waited and waited on that phone call telling us if the surgery was continuing. About 10:30 the nurse called back and said that Dr. Johnson was almost done with his part: hysterectomy/vulvectomy. I asked about the lymph nodes and the nurse said that he had taken about 6 nodes out and all he knew was 1 was positive and 1 was negative. I asked where the positive one was and explained about how Dr. Johnson had said he would cancel the surgery if 1 was positive...he said it must all be good because he went ahead with surgery. That was the biggest relief of the day.
We got phone calls from the nurses every 2 hours for the rest of the day. Each of the Doctors except Dr. Johnson had come out after their part and said how well surgery was going and they were very pleased with how well she was handling it. About 5:00 the nurse called and said Dr. Johnson was finishing up and he thought he would be done by 6:30. Well, 6:30 came and went and then of course we went into panic mode again. At 7:30 (12 hours of surgery) Dr. Johnson came out and said "Divine intervention was on her side today, she did Great!!" I don't think he thought that the nodes around her kidneys had cancer in them, but I think it was in the back of his mind that they might. We then waited another 2 hours till they got her moved up to ICU, then we headed up there to tell her we loved her and we would see her in the morning. She was alert and shook her head after we each told her how great she did and that we loved her.
I always knew my mom was strong, and this proved how much!! I am so proud of her and SO glad that the cancer is out of her body and we are on the road to recovery. I love her SO much!!!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Life and how important it is...
When someone gets sick it makes you realize how short or how fast things can change in your life. The people that you care about the most can be gone in the blink of an eye. When my mom got the news that her cancer was back and the Doctors didn't call us back about her CT scan, all I could think of was, "Is this the last birthday my mom will be here for?", "Will she be here for Christmas?", etc. It scared me. I want her here for me and for my kids, is that selfish?? At times I feel very selfish...I want my mom, and I want her healthy, I want her to see my kids graduate from school, I want her here to see them get married, I want her here to see her great grandkids. Why am I being selfish??
I sit back and wonder what is she going through?? How hard is this going to be on her? Is she ever going to leave her house after she gets done with the surgery and heals? Will she feel comfortable emptying her bags out in public? My questions go on and on... I want her to be happy, healthy, and I want her to want to live. My Dad died before I was born, I was raised by my single mother. We lived with my Grandparents till I was 5, and then she bought her house (that she is still living in), we lived together for 3 years in our house till she married my step-dad. I feel that I got screwed...I never called my step-dad "Dad", he wasn't, my Dad was gone...I hated that. My mom is such a STRONG woman that I know she will get through all of this, she has gone through so much in her life...and it's not FAIR that she has to deal with all of this Cancer crap!!!
Why is cancer all around us? Why do we all know someone that has beat it, going through treatment, or has died because of it?? Why can't we predict the future?? I know a lot of these questions are open ended, and they don't have answers...I just wish someone could answer some of them!!! Hug, kiss and tell all of your loved ones that you LOVE them...you never know when you may not be able to say that again!! I love you all...my family and friends...I'm glad that I have you here in my life.
I sit back and wonder what is she going through?? How hard is this going to be on her? Is she ever going to leave her house after she gets done with the surgery and heals? Will she feel comfortable emptying her bags out in public? My questions go on and on... I want her to be happy, healthy, and I want her to want to live. My Dad died before I was born, I was raised by my single mother. We lived with my Grandparents till I was 5, and then she bought her house (that she is still living in), we lived together for 3 years in our house till she married my step-dad. I feel that I got screwed...I never called my step-dad "Dad", he wasn't, my Dad was gone...I hated that. My mom is such a STRONG woman that I know she will get through all of this, she has gone through so much in her life...and it's not FAIR that she has to deal with all of this Cancer crap!!!
Why is cancer all around us? Why do we all know someone that has beat it, going through treatment, or has died because of it?? Why can't we predict the future?? I know a lot of these questions are open ended, and they don't have answers...I just wish someone could answer some of them!!! Hug, kiss and tell all of your loved ones that you LOVE them...you never know when you may not be able to say that again!! I love you all...my family and friends...I'm glad that I have you here in my life.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
R.I.P Duh
When I was in college I got dog, and then I quit school, and started working at a Vet Clinic. Along with that came an abundance of animals. At 1 time I had 2 dogs (Kirby and Buddy) and 2 cats (Roscoe and Frisco). I was working at a group home also in Charleston at the same time I was working at the Vet Clinic, and a friend of mine was moving apartments and couldn't keep her cat..."Duh", and she asked me if he could live with me for a while till she was able to take him to her parents. Well, months later I moved back to Urbana, and "Duh" came with me along with my menagerie of other animals.
I didn't name him...but MAN I love his name...I love that cat...and I will miss him greatly!!! He lived about 4 years longer than any of the other cats we had, and he has enjoyed himself being the "only cat" for the last 4 years. The last few months he has tried "escaping" as much as he could. He would squeeze out our garage door and "hang out" outside. He NEVER did this before...so it was a bit weird. Oh well...whatever made him happy!!
So, now we are a "dog-only" family...weird!!! I don't know if we will stay this way, or if we will get another cat sometime...I guess time will tell!!!
R.I.P Duh...we love you!!!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Life....
Somedays I just want to crawl in my bed and hide out for the entire day, week, month, year. Somedays I want to cry my eyes out. Somedays I don't want to talk to anyone. Somedays I want to scream my head off at anyone who will listen. Somedays I want to hold onto my kids and never let go (only they won't let me do that anymore). Somedays...Somedays....Somedays...
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
First Day of School Pictures
Becca getting ready to leave for school with ALL of her supplies.
Becca finding her name on the door of her classroom.
Her desk
James with his backpack, ready to leave for school.
Walking down the hallway to his classroom.
Playing with the cars in his classroom.
Drawing Mommy a picture.No pictures of Bradley..."he's too old" for that!!! What's a Mom to do??
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Back to the Why!!
So, my mom's cancer is back...why?? Why?? Why?? Why?? I just don't understand, the 1 person in the whole world that would give up everything she had for anyone in the world. How does this happen to that person? My mom is my best friend, and I am SO scared that something bad is going to happen to her. I don't know what to think, what to do, and what to say. Just...why??
We go this week for a CT scan and to meet 2/4 doctors that are going to do her surgery. She is going to have a VERY invasive surgery that will leave her without function of 2 bodily functions. She will have a colostomy bag and possibly a bag for urine, or a permenant catheter that she will have to clip/unclip when she needs to empty her bladder. Hopefully once the surgery is over they will have gotten enough "margin", but if not...she will have to do chemo. OMG!! Her surgery is suppose to be 10-12 hours, how do I sit in that hospital for that long?? She will be over in Springfield for probably 1-2 weeks recovering, how do I sit over there and watch her in pain?? Then when she comes home she will be home recovering for months, how do I help her?? What do I do??
Why does this have to be happening?? Why??
We go this week for a CT scan and to meet 2/4 doctors that are going to do her surgery. She is going to have a VERY invasive surgery that will leave her without function of 2 bodily functions. She will have a colostomy bag and possibly a bag for urine, or a permenant catheter that she will have to clip/unclip when she needs to empty her bladder. Hopefully once the surgery is over they will have gotten enough "margin", but if not...she will have to do chemo. OMG!! Her surgery is suppose to be 10-12 hours, how do I sit in that hospital for that long?? She will be over in Springfield for probably 1-2 weeks recovering, how do I sit over there and watch her in pain?? Then when she comes home she will be home recovering for months, how do I help her?? What do I do??
Why does this have to be happening?? Why??
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