I remember when all I could think of was becoming a Mom!! It took Jason and I so much longer than we had wanted, we wanted to start a family right after getting married, but it didn't happen. I had 4 miscarriages in about 3 years and was told that I would not be able to carry a child to term due to a genetic condition and PCOS.
We started the adoption process in 2000 (while we were doing this process we continued trying to get pregnant and lost 2 babies during this time). We found many children on line that were waiting for families, however the younger they were the harder they were for us to adopt. Jason did not want to adopt a child older than 3 or 4, so we were pretty limited in our options. We didn't give up though and we kept hoping for a child, whether it was an adopted child or our own biological. In June of 2002 we found out I was pregnant and about that same time we got a call from Catholic Charities that they had found a child (age 6...older than we had wanted) that was needing a home and she thought it would be a good match. Hmmm....what do we do?!
With our bad history with the whole pregnancy thing we decided to move forward with meeting this child up in Iowa and hope that the baby I was carrying would be viable. We met Bradley and it was love at first sight...I knew he was suppose to be our child. We made it through the first trimester, the furthest we had ever gotten, and hoped that the baby I was carrying was strong enough to make it through the rest of the pregnancy. Bradley moved down to live with us in July/August , I will admit the first year with him was one of the hardest- emotionally and physically for all of us. Bradley came with a lot of emotional baggage and some pretty sad stories of his past...but we made it through that first year. :)
Rebecca was born on January 7th and Bradley was adopted on May 28th of 2003. I had wanted his adoption to be finalized before Becca was born...however waiting on his parents to sign away their rights and the whole court process did not allow for this to happen. I became a MOM to 2 children in the span of 5 months...2 children 7 years apart. :) 2003 was a good year for me and my family!!!
Between 2003-2006 I had 3 more miscarriages and had pretty much given up on becoming pregnant again. In June of 2006 we found out I was pregnant. The Doctors wanted us to do the whole routine we did with Rebecca (shots, meds, etc)...but Jason and I decided if this baby was meant to be, it was meant to be and we chose to do nothing but pray. James was born on January 6th, 2007. My miracle child was born...and our family became complete!!
I longed to become a Mom so I could participate in Mother's Day. I cherished my own Mom and enjoyed watching her as a Mom and a Grandma...she LOVED both so much!! Her grandchildren were the most important thing in her life...sometimes more important than my sister and me. But that's OK...the more love the better!! I finally became a Mom and I knew what I was missing before. I could understand what Unconditional love meant, I could understand those feeling of giving up your life for your child if need be, I understood...finally!!
This year, my Mom is gone...and a part of me is gone also. I no longer feel complete, I feel like something is missing, I feel like a piece of my puzzle of life is gone and lost forever...will I ever feel complete again?? Will I always be this puzzle that is not complete? Will I ever look forward to Mother's Day again?? Will I always cry myself to sleep 2 or 3 nights a month because I miss her? I know that grief is hard, I know that no one can tell me when it will get easier, I know it is different for every person, I know all of this. I also know that my relationship with my Mom is so different than anyone else's relationship with her. We had something that my sister and her didn't have, we had something that her and my Step-dad didn't have. With my Dad's death before I was born...it was just her and I for the first 8 years of my life...just her and I...she was THE most amazing person, dealing with everything she dealt with at 21 years old. She is my Hero...my Mom...and now...My ANGEL. I miss you Mom...Happy Mother's Day!!!!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Easter has come and gone...and it was a very difficult day. I won't lie and I won't say "the first is the hardest"...they are all going to be hard, and they may be hard till the 5th or 6th or 15th time. Please don't try to tell me that I will get over it, and once I get through each of the holidays once life will be OK. Sorry...I don't believe you!!
Did I have a good Easter? Absolutely...my kids and my husband made it that way. But, it was different. It was our first holiday in Texas, by ourselves...and without Mom. My mom LOVED holidays, it didn't matter which one, she loved them all. She loved giving the kids presents and love...and they grew used to that...they were quite spoiled with her, and I LOVED it that way!! We did the Easter Bunny thing, had a yummy breakfast, went to the zoo, flew kites, came home and made dinner...which was steaks on the grill!! YUM!!!!
Spring has been so different here than in Illinois. My favorite seasons are Spring and Fall...and here in Illinois we don't really have those seasons. We went from cold to HOT...it was in the 90's for the last 3 weeks...it was downright HOT. Yesterday the temp dropped and and it hasn't been above 60 degrees all day today!! The kids are ready for school to be over, they have about 4 weeks left. This year has really flown by...I don't know where it went. The 2 younger kids are playing ball. Becca is playing softball- this is her first year of softball, in the past she has played peanut league. I am coaching her team...and actually I am really enjoying it!! James is playing T-ball- and man is this the funniest thing ever. He is doing well, but he gets bored in the field, in the dugout, everywhere. Poor kid is the one in the outfield spinning around because he has nothing better to do. :) I never thought that would be MY kid.
Not a whole lot more going on. We are heading back to Illinois June 14th and the kids and I will stay through the 4th of July!! I am so excited to be around family for that long!! YAY!!!