Thursday, September 22, 2011

364 days...

So, it has been 364 days since my Mom passed away. 364 days that I have not been able to talk to her. 364 days filled with things the kids have done that I can't tell her about. 364 days that I was unable to tell her that I love her and hear her say it back to me. 364 days since part of me died with her.

Part of me can't believe that a year has gone by...where did the time go?? I knew this year would be hard, but I never imagined how hard and I never imagined I would be going through it because my mom died. I always thought I would be one of those people that would have the encouraging words when their parent or loved one died, I never thought it would actually be me. I was told that every 1st holiday, 1st everything would be the hardest...but I don't think so...I think the rest of my life will be hard because she is not here. Seeing my kids grow up and not have her at their graduations from high school, college, weddings, births of their do I do that?

I feel like the last week I have relived her last week. I have slept pretty much everyday till noon, nap during the afternoon and fall asleep after dinner. I have no motivation, no will to do anything, don't really want to talk to anyone, feel completely deflated. I feel like tonight when I go to bed I will be getting another phone call at 4:40 in the morning from my sister saying that she is gone, I want to jump on a plane and be back in Illinois, I want to see her face again (even if it is in her coffin-I know I'm weird), I want to touch her and tell her that I love her and will never forget anything she has taught me and will teach my kids everything I can about her. I feel like my heart is breaking in 2 as I write this because the one thing in the whole world that I want I can't have.

How do I get through tomorrow?? How do I celebrate her life when I am so depressed I don't want to celebrate mine. How do I stop thinking about her every minute of every day??

I started taking some meds for depression about 7 months ago...they have definitely helped, I don't find myself crying every minute of the day, but in the last few weeks there have been some HUGE cry fests, and I am so thankful that Jason has been there to hold me and get me through them. He doesn't know what to say to me, I don't think there is anything to say...he just holds me and that's all I really want. I have days when I want to stop taking my meds and see if I can just be ME, see if I can deal with this great big world myself...but deep down I know I can't, and I don't know if I ever will be. It was hard to say that I needed the meds, it was hard to ask for help, but I am so glad that I did because it has given me time with my kids that I was not giving them before I started taking them. It has made me get up in the morning and try to get through the day with a smile on my face.

I am happy, I am not as happy as I once was when my life was whole...but I am hanging in there. 364 days...where does the time go?? I miss you mom and I love you just as much today as I did every other day before you left this earth!!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Believe it or not....I AM still here!!

I know it's been a long time since I have posted. I am still here, and the O'Connor's have had a good summer. We went to Illinois for 3 weeks, we had company come from Illinois to visit for 10 days, Bradley turned 16 this month, and the summer has come and gone!! Kids start school on Monday and even though we had a good summer, I am ready for them to go back. :)

We also have new tile in 2 of our bathrooms. Now we only have our bathroom and the kitchen to do...I will be glad when all of the old linoleum is out of the house. Not that I mind's just when they painted the house they did not care if they got paint all over the floor...and man did they get A LOT on the floors!!

Well, I am going to try and get better at this. Hope all is well with everyone!! Take care!!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Mother's Day

I remember when all I could think of was becoming a Mom!! It took Jason and I so much longer than we had wanted, we wanted to start a family right after getting married, but it didn't happen. I had 4 miscarriages in about 3 years and was told that I would not be able to carry a child to term due to a genetic condition and PCOS.

We started the adoption process in 2000 (while we were doing this process we continued trying to get pregnant and lost 2 babies during this time). We found many children on line that were waiting for families, however the younger they were the harder they were for us to adopt. Jason did not want to adopt a child older than 3 or 4, so we were pretty limited in our options. We didn't give up though and we kept hoping for a child, whether it was an adopted child or our own biological. In June of 2002 we found out I was pregnant and about that same time we got a call from Catholic Charities that they had found a child (age 6...older than we had wanted) that was needing a home and she thought it would be a good match. Hmmm....what do we do?!

With our bad history with the whole pregnancy thing we decided to move forward with meeting this child up in Iowa and hope that the baby I was carrying would be viable. We met Bradley and it was love at first sight...I knew he was suppose to be our child. We made it through the first trimester, the furthest we had ever gotten, and hoped that the baby I was carrying was strong enough to make it through the rest of the pregnancy. Bradley moved down to live with us in July/August , I will admit the first year with him was one of the hardest- emotionally and physically for all of us. Bradley came with a lot of emotional baggage and some pretty sad stories of his past...but we made it through that first year. :)

Rebecca was born on January 7th and Bradley was adopted on May 28th of 2003. I had wanted his adoption to be finalized before Becca was born...however waiting on his parents to sign away their rights and the whole court process did not allow for this to happen. I became a MOM to 2 children in the span of 5 months...2 children 7 years apart. :) 2003 was a good year for me and my family!!!

Between 2003-2006 I had 3 more miscarriages and had pretty much given up on becoming pregnant again. In June of 2006 we found out I was pregnant. The Doctors wanted us to do the whole routine we did with Rebecca (shots, meds, etc)...but Jason and I decided if this baby was meant to be, it was meant to be and we chose to do nothing but pray. James was born on January 6th, 2007. My miracle child was born...and our family became complete!!

I longed to become a Mom so I could participate in Mother's Day. I cherished my own Mom and enjoyed watching her as a Mom and a Grandma...she LOVED both so much!! Her grandchildren were the most important thing in her life...sometimes more important than my sister and me. But that's OK...the more love the better!! I finally became a Mom and I knew what I was missing before. I could understand what Unconditional love meant, I could understand those feeling of giving up your life for your child if need be, I understood...finally!!

This year, my Mom is gone...and a part of me is gone also. I no longer feel complete, I feel like something is missing, I feel like a piece of my puzzle of life is gone and lost forever...will I ever feel complete again?? Will I always be this puzzle that is not complete? Will I ever look forward to Mother's Day again?? Will I always cry myself to sleep 2 or 3 nights a month because I miss her? I know that grief is hard, I know that no one can tell me when it will get easier, I know it is different for every person, I know all of this. I also know that my relationship with my Mom is so different than anyone else's relationship with her. We had something that my sister and her didn't have, we had something that her and my Step-dad didn't have. With my Dad's death before I was was just her and I for the first 8 years of my life...just her and I...she was THE most amazing person, dealing with everything she dealt with at 21 years old. She is my Mom...and now...My ANGEL. I miss you Mom...Happy Mother's Day!!!!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Spring in Texas

Easter has come and gone...and it was a very difficult day. I won't lie and I won't say "the first is the hardest"...they are all going to be hard, and they may be hard till the 5th or 6th or 15th time. Please don't try to tell me that I will get over it, and once I get through each of the holidays once life will be OK. Sorry...I don't believe you!!

Did I have a good Easter? kids and my husband made it that way. But, it was different. It was our first holiday in Texas, by ourselves...and without Mom. My mom LOVED holidays, it didn't matter which one, she loved them all. She loved giving the kids presents and love...and they grew used to that...they were quite spoiled with her, and I LOVED it that way!! We did the Easter Bunny thing, had a yummy breakfast, went to the zoo, flew kites, came home and made dinner...which was steaks on the grill!! YUM!!!!

Spring has been so different here than in Illinois. My favorite seasons are Spring and Fall...and here in Illinois we don't really have those seasons. We went from cold to was in the 90's for the last 3 was downright HOT. Yesterday the temp dropped and and it hasn't been above 60 degrees all day today!! The kids are ready for school to be over, they have about 4 weeks left. This year has really flown by...I don't know where it went. The 2 younger kids are playing ball. Becca is playing softball- this is her first year of softball, in the past she has played peanut league. I am coaching her team...and actually I am really enjoying it!! James is playing T-ball- and man is this the funniest thing ever. He is doing well, but he gets bored in the field, in the dugout, everywhere. Poor kid is the one in the outfield spinning around because he has nothing better to do. :) I never thought that would be MY kid.

Not a whole lot more going on. We are heading back to Illinois June 14th and the kids and I will stay through the 4th of July!! I am so excited to be around family for that long!! YAY!!!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Weekend so far...

We have had a pretty good weekend so far!! Friday night Becca had a game that we lost 12-0...which sucks...but the girls played good. I struck out every single girl...not by throwing strikes, by throwing balls that they had NO chance of hitting. Talk about feeling like the WORST Coach in the world!! UGH!! After the game we dropped Becca off for a sleepover (her 2nd of the weekend-kids didn't have school on Friday).

Saturday we got up and went to James T-ball game, but we only stayed for 1/2 of the game because he wasn't feeling good. He first told me his leg I pushed him to go back out to the field, then when I looked up at him he was standing there I went out and picked him up and he said he hurt everywhere. He was not running a fever at this I just thought he was trying to get out of playing. When we got home I tucked him in my bed and he fell right to sleep and slept for 2 hours. When he woke up he was running a it must have been some little bug or something. He pretty much rested by watching movies all day...fever started again before bed, so a little bit more medicine and he slept through the night. Woke up this morning feeling MUCH better!! We also painted the garage door!! Our front door has been painted for about 3 weeks and I really wanted the garage door to be painted the same color, so now it is!!!! Jason is going to put 1 more coat on it today, but it looks really good. Jason also put up a clothesline for me in the backyard!! I am SO excited about this!!!!! I LOVE hanging clothes outside to dry, and now I can!!! Jason and a friend also went and got rock and dirt for the flower garden out front, so now that is ready for some flowers/ we have something to do today!! :) Rebecca had her 3rd sleep-over of the weekend.

Today's plan is to go to the garden store to get some flowers/plants, Becca has a game at 4:30, need to run to the grocery store...we are out of EVERYTHING!! We will see how the day progresses!! Have a good day and a good week!!!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

My baby and T-ball

My baby had his first T-ball game today...and yes he would be YELLING at me if he could read since he "is not a baby anymore!" :) I was so proud of him. He was a bit timid in the beginning, but came out of his shell and did really well by the end. He even ran up and got the ball before a bigger kid got it!! Way to go!!

I sit and look at him and wonder "how can I keep him just like this?" I'm not ready for him to grow up and not need me as much anymore. He is still my baby, and always will be. He did inform me that I will be the only girl he ever long do you think that will last?? And he did tell me that he wishes he was a girl because he doesn't want to be a daddy that has to go to work, he wants to be a stay at home Mommy!! :) Maybe I am doing something right?!!!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Visitors are gone...back to normal

Visitors are GREAT!!! But man, it's sad when they leave!! Becky Jane and Alyssa came last Thursday and left was a great visit. For those of you who don't know who they are...Becky Jane is my Mom's best friend (for 50+years) and Alyssa is her daughter. It was a lot of fun showing them around San Antonio and showing them our "life" it is non-stop all the time. :) We did a lot...I'm sure they need to rest after their vacation, we had them on the go a lot!

But...when they's sad!! Yesterday I did pretty good, and I think having a Doctors appt right after they left and softball practice last night helped a lot. Today all the kids went to school and Jason went to the house was QUIET!! I really enjoy quiet, however, today it seems too quiet.

My Doctor put me on a higher dose of Wellbutrin, so we will see if that helps. She wants me to feel "good" and "motivated". I felt "pretty good", but not "motivated" at she increased the meds. She also put me on a sleep pill to help with sleep. I can get tired about 9pm, however if I don't go to bed (somedays we don't even have the kids in bed yet) and stay up later I get my 2nd wind and can't seem to fall asleep till 2-3am and then I am up at 7am. So...4-5 hours of sleep are not good!! So I am going to take them for a week and then hopefully my sleep schedule will reset and I can just take them as needed. We shall see. Last night I slept for a GOOD 7 hours...that was nice, and I haven't been tired so far today.

I always wanted my kids to be "involved"...but man, it would just be nice to be able to stay home for longer than 12 hours at a time. :) Oh well...I guess this is what it is to be parents to active kids. :)