Thursday, September 22, 2011

364 days...

So, it has been 364 days since my Mom passed away. 364 days that I have not been able to talk to her. 364 days filled with things the kids have done that I can't tell her about. 364 days that I was unable to tell her that I love her and hear her say it back to me. 364 days since part of me died with her.

Part of me can't believe that a year has gone by...where did the time go?? I knew this year would be hard, but I never imagined how hard and I never imagined I would be going through it because my mom died. I always thought I would be one of those people that would have the encouraging words when their parent or loved one died, I never thought it would actually be me. I was told that every 1st holiday, 1st everything would be the hardest...but I don't think so...I think the rest of my life will be hard because she is not here. Seeing my kids grow up and not have her at their graduations from high school, college, weddings, births of their do I do that?

I feel like the last week I have relived her last week. I have slept pretty much everyday till noon, nap during the afternoon and fall asleep after dinner. I have no motivation, no will to do anything, don't really want to talk to anyone, feel completely deflated. I feel like tonight when I go to bed I will be getting another phone call at 4:40 in the morning from my sister saying that she is gone, I want to jump on a plane and be back in Illinois, I want to see her face again (even if it is in her coffin-I know I'm weird), I want to touch her and tell her that I love her and will never forget anything she has taught me and will teach my kids everything I can about her. I feel like my heart is breaking in 2 as I write this because the one thing in the whole world that I want I can't have.

How do I get through tomorrow?? How do I celebrate her life when I am so depressed I don't want to celebrate mine. How do I stop thinking about her every minute of every day??

I started taking some meds for depression about 7 months ago...they have definitely helped, I don't find myself crying every minute of the day, but in the last few weeks there have been some HUGE cry fests, and I am so thankful that Jason has been there to hold me and get me through them. He doesn't know what to say to me, I don't think there is anything to say...he just holds me and that's all I really want. I have days when I want to stop taking my meds and see if I can just be ME, see if I can deal with this great big world myself...but deep down I know I can't, and I don't know if I ever will be. It was hard to say that I needed the meds, it was hard to ask for help, but I am so glad that I did because it has given me time with my kids that I was not giving them before I started taking them. It has made me get up in the morning and try to get through the day with a smile on my face.

I am happy, I am not as happy as I once was when my life was whole...but I am hanging in there. 364 days...where does the time go?? I miss you mom and I love you just as much today as I did every other day before you left this earth!!

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