Thursday, September 22, 2011

364 days...

So, it has been 364 days since my Mom passed away. 364 days that I have not been able to talk to her. 364 days filled with things the kids have done that I can't tell her about. 364 days that I was unable to tell her that I love her and hear her say it back to me. 364 days since part of me died with her.

Part of me can't believe that a year has gone by...where did the time go?? I knew this year would be hard, but I never imagined how hard and I never imagined I would be going through it because my mom died. I always thought I would be one of those people that would have the encouraging words when their parent or loved one died, I never thought it would actually be me. I was told that every 1st holiday, 1st everything would be the hardest...but I don't think so...I think the rest of my life will be hard because she is not here. Seeing my kids grow up and not have her at their graduations from high school, college, weddings, births of their do I do that?

I feel like the last week I have relived her last week. I have slept pretty much everyday till noon, nap during the afternoon and fall asleep after dinner. I have no motivation, no will to do anything, don't really want to talk to anyone, feel completely deflated. I feel like tonight when I go to bed I will be getting another phone call at 4:40 in the morning from my sister saying that she is gone, I want to jump on a plane and be back in Illinois, I want to see her face again (even if it is in her coffin-I know I'm weird), I want to touch her and tell her that I love her and will never forget anything she has taught me and will teach my kids everything I can about her. I feel like my heart is breaking in 2 as I write this because the one thing in the whole world that I want I can't have.

How do I get through tomorrow?? How do I celebrate her life when I am so depressed I don't want to celebrate mine. How do I stop thinking about her every minute of every day??

I started taking some meds for depression about 7 months ago...they have definitely helped, I don't find myself crying every minute of the day, but in the last few weeks there have been some HUGE cry fests, and I am so thankful that Jason has been there to hold me and get me through them. He doesn't know what to say to me, I don't think there is anything to say...he just holds me and that's all I really want. I have days when I want to stop taking my meds and see if I can just be ME, see if I can deal with this great big world myself...but deep down I know I can't, and I don't know if I ever will be. It was hard to say that I needed the meds, it was hard to ask for help, but I am so glad that I did because it has given me time with my kids that I was not giving them before I started taking them. It has made me get up in the morning and try to get through the day with a smile on my face.

I am happy, I am not as happy as I once was when my life was whole...but I am hanging in there. 364 days...where does the time go?? I miss you mom and I love you just as much today as I did every other day before you left this earth!!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Believe it or not....I AM still here!!

I know it's been a long time since I have posted. I am still here, and the O'Connor's have had a good summer. We went to Illinois for 3 weeks, we had company come from Illinois to visit for 10 days, Bradley turned 16 this month, and the summer has come and gone!! Kids start school on Monday and even though we had a good summer, I am ready for them to go back. :)

We also have new tile in 2 of our bathrooms. Now we only have our bathroom and the kitchen to do...I will be glad when all of the old linoleum is out of the house. Not that I mind's just when they painted the house they did not care if they got paint all over the floor...and man did they get A LOT on the floors!!

Well, I am going to try and get better at this. Hope all is well with everyone!! Take care!!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Mother's Day

I remember when all I could think of was becoming a Mom!! It took Jason and I so much longer than we had wanted, we wanted to start a family right after getting married, but it didn't happen. I had 4 miscarriages in about 3 years and was told that I would not be able to carry a child to term due to a genetic condition and PCOS.

We started the adoption process in 2000 (while we were doing this process we continued trying to get pregnant and lost 2 babies during this time). We found many children on line that were waiting for families, however the younger they were the harder they were for us to adopt. Jason did not want to adopt a child older than 3 or 4, so we were pretty limited in our options. We didn't give up though and we kept hoping for a child, whether it was an adopted child or our own biological. In June of 2002 we found out I was pregnant and about that same time we got a call from Catholic Charities that they had found a child (age 6...older than we had wanted) that was needing a home and she thought it would be a good match. Hmmm....what do we do?!

With our bad history with the whole pregnancy thing we decided to move forward with meeting this child up in Iowa and hope that the baby I was carrying would be viable. We met Bradley and it was love at first sight...I knew he was suppose to be our child. We made it through the first trimester, the furthest we had ever gotten, and hoped that the baby I was carrying was strong enough to make it through the rest of the pregnancy. Bradley moved down to live with us in July/August , I will admit the first year with him was one of the hardest- emotionally and physically for all of us. Bradley came with a lot of emotional baggage and some pretty sad stories of his past...but we made it through that first year. :)

Rebecca was born on January 7th and Bradley was adopted on May 28th of 2003. I had wanted his adoption to be finalized before Becca was born...however waiting on his parents to sign away their rights and the whole court process did not allow for this to happen. I became a MOM to 2 children in the span of 5 months...2 children 7 years apart. :) 2003 was a good year for me and my family!!!

Between 2003-2006 I had 3 more miscarriages and had pretty much given up on becoming pregnant again. In June of 2006 we found out I was pregnant. The Doctors wanted us to do the whole routine we did with Rebecca (shots, meds, etc)...but Jason and I decided if this baby was meant to be, it was meant to be and we chose to do nothing but pray. James was born on January 6th, 2007. My miracle child was born...and our family became complete!!

I longed to become a Mom so I could participate in Mother's Day. I cherished my own Mom and enjoyed watching her as a Mom and a Grandma...she LOVED both so much!! Her grandchildren were the most important thing in her life...sometimes more important than my sister and me. But that's OK...the more love the better!! I finally became a Mom and I knew what I was missing before. I could understand what Unconditional love meant, I could understand those feeling of giving up your life for your child if need be, I understood...finally!!

This year, my Mom is gone...and a part of me is gone also. I no longer feel complete, I feel like something is missing, I feel like a piece of my puzzle of life is gone and lost forever...will I ever feel complete again?? Will I always be this puzzle that is not complete? Will I ever look forward to Mother's Day again?? Will I always cry myself to sleep 2 or 3 nights a month because I miss her? I know that grief is hard, I know that no one can tell me when it will get easier, I know it is different for every person, I know all of this. I also know that my relationship with my Mom is so different than anyone else's relationship with her. We had something that my sister and her didn't have, we had something that her and my Step-dad didn't have. With my Dad's death before I was was just her and I for the first 8 years of my life...just her and I...she was THE most amazing person, dealing with everything she dealt with at 21 years old. She is my Mom...and now...My ANGEL. I miss you Mom...Happy Mother's Day!!!!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Spring in Texas

Easter has come and gone...and it was a very difficult day. I won't lie and I won't say "the first is the hardest"...they are all going to be hard, and they may be hard till the 5th or 6th or 15th time. Please don't try to tell me that I will get over it, and once I get through each of the holidays once life will be OK. Sorry...I don't believe you!!

Did I have a good Easter? kids and my husband made it that way. But, it was different. It was our first holiday in Texas, by ourselves...and without Mom. My mom LOVED holidays, it didn't matter which one, she loved them all. She loved giving the kids presents and love...and they grew used to that...they were quite spoiled with her, and I LOVED it that way!! We did the Easter Bunny thing, had a yummy breakfast, went to the zoo, flew kites, came home and made dinner...which was steaks on the grill!! YUM!!!!

Spring has been so different here than in Illinois. My favorite seasons are Spring and Fall...and here in Illinois we don't really have those seasons. We went from cold to was in the 90's for the last 3 was downright HOT. Yesterday the temp dropped and and it hasn't been above 60 degrees all day today!! The kids are ready for school to be over, they have about 4 weeks left. This year has really flown by...I don't know where it went. The 2 younger kids are playing ball. Becca is playing softball- this is her first year of softball, in the past she has played peanut league. I am coaching her team...and actually I am really enjoying it!! James is playing T-ball- and man is this the funniest thing ever. He is doing well, but he gets bored in the field, in the dugout, everywhere. Poor kid is the one in the outfield spinning around because he has nothing better to do. :) I never thought that would be MY kid.

Not a whole lot more going on. We are heading back to Illinois June 14th and the kids and I will stay through the 4th of July!! I am so excited to be around family for that long!! YAY!!!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Weekend so far...

We have had a pretty good weekend so far!! Friday night Becca had a game that we lost 12-0...which sucks...but the girls played good. I struck out every single girl...not by throwing strikes, by throwing balls that they had NO chance of hitting. Talk about feeling like the WORST Coach in the world!! UGH!! After the game we dropped Becca off for a sleepover (her 2nd of the weekend-kids didn't have school on Friday).

Saturday we got up and went to James T-ball game, but we only stayed for 1/2 of the game because he wasn't feeling good. He first told me his leg I pushed him to go back out to the field, then when I looked up at him he was standing there I went out and picked him up and he said he hurt everywhere. He was not running a fever at this I just thought he was trying to get out of playing. When we got home I tucked him in my bed and he fell right to sleep and slept for 2 hours. When he woke up he was running a it must have been some little bug or something. He pretty much rested by watching movies all day...fever started again before bed, so a little bit more medicine and he slept through the night. Woke up this morning feeling MUCH better!! We also painted the garage door!! Our front door has been painted for about 3 weeks and I really wanted the garage door to be painted the same color, so now it is!!!! Jason is going to put 1 more coat on it today, but it looks really good. Jason also put up a clothesline for me in the backyard!! I am SO excited about this!!!!! I LOVE hanging clothes outside to dry, and now I can!!! Jason and a friend also went and got rock and dirt for the flower garden out front, so now that is ready for some flowers/ we have something to do today!! :) Rebecca had her 3rd sleep-over of the weekend.

Today's plan is to go to the garden store to get some flowers/plants, Becca has a game at 4:30, need to run to the grocery store...we are out of EVERYTHING!! We will see how the day progresses!! Have a good day and a good week!!!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

My baby and T-ball

My baby had his first T-ball game today...and yes he would be YELLING at me if he could read since he "is not a baby anymore!" :) I was so proud of him. He was a bit timid in the beginning, but came out of his shell and did really well by the end. He even ran up and got the ball before a bigger kid got it!! Way to go!!

I sit and look at him and wonder "how can I keep him just like this?" I'm not ready for him to grow up and not need me as much anymore. He is still my baby, and always will be. He did inform me that I will be the only girl he ever long do you think that will last?? And he did tell me that he wishes he was a girl because he doesn't want to be a daddy that has to go to work, he wants to be a stay at home Mommy!! :) Maybe I am doing something right?!!!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Visitors are gone...back to normal

Visitors are GREAT!!! But man, it's sad when they leave!! Becky Jane and Alyssa came last Thursday and left was a great visit. For those of you who don't know who they are...Becky Jane is my Mom's best friend (for 50+years) and Alyssa is her daughter. It was a lot of fun showing them around San Antonio and showing them our "life" it is non-stop all the time. :) We did a lot...I'm sure they need to rest after their vacation, we had them on the go a lot!

But...when they's sad!! Yesterday I did pretty good, and I think having a Doctors appt right after they left and softball practice last night helped a lot. Today all the kids went to school and Jason went to the house was QUIET!! I really enjoy quiet, however, today it seems too quiet.

My Doctor put me on a higher dose of Wellbutrin, so we will see if that helps. She wants me to feel "good" and "motivated". I felt "pretty good", but not "motivated" at she increased the meds. She also put me on a sleep pill to help with sleep. I can get tired about 9pm, however if I don't go to bed (somedays we don't even have the kids in bed yet) and stay up later I get my 2nd wind and can't seem to fall asleep till 2-3am and then I am up at 7am. So...4-5 hours of sleep are not good!! So I am going to take them for a week and then hopefully my sleep schedule will reset and I can just take them as needed. We shall see. Last night I slept for a GOOD 7 hours...that was nice, and I haven't been tired so far today.

I always wanted my kids to be "involved"...but man, it would just be nice to be able to stay home for longer than 12 hours at a time. :) Oh well...I guess this is what it is to be parents to active kids. :)

Saturday, March 26, 2011

I'm still here!!

I know it's been a long time since I've posted...I'm sorry!!! Not a whole lot has been going on least it doesn't feel like it. :) Let's see...I will try to update!!

Me- I am now taking Wellbutrin to help with the depression. I think it is helping, but at times I still get pretty upset and cry a lot. :( I also am SO sleepy all the time...I don't know if that is part of the side effects or what...but there are days that I feel like I could sleep all day. My New Year's resolution is going well...I am sending notes/cards to important women in my life every day for the rest of the year. I am really enjoying this and have received some really nice letters from some really WONDERFUL women!!! I am hoping I make them smile...that is my goal. :) I still miss my Mom, however we talk about her usually daily and I am able to do it without crying each time. My mom is my best friend...granted I can't talk to her daily like I used to, but I still talk to her in heaven every day. My biggest fear is that my kids will forget who she was and not remember how much she loved them. How can I make sure that they will remember her forever??

Jason- he is doing well. Work is going well. He is leaving on Monday to head back to Champaign for a couple of days...and oh how I wish I was going with him!!! He is going to stay with my step-dad and Tuesday night he is going to go out with him to watch my sister and brother in law bowl. And I wish I was going to be there. I miss my sister a lot!!!

Bradley- still having trouble with school. Is failing 3 classes right now...however in 2 weeks he is going to start going to a Psychiatrist to get started on some medication to help with some issues. I hope it will help...he is struggling a lot.

Rebecca- started softball this week...and I got roped in to be her coach...gotta love that!! :) School is going great for her. She is such a smart little girl...she get so proud of herself when she does well. She is out playing pretty much everyday with the little girl 2 doors down...they have a great time together, which is really good.

James- started t-ball this week...and he is also looking forward to playing. He is doing well also. He loves Zoo School and I think he will be devastated when it ends for the year. We are going to sign him up for it again next year...which I have gone back and forth on if he needs more than just 2 days a week...we shall see. Kindergarten will be here before I know it. My baby can't be growing up!!!

Texas is OK. I still don't consider it "HOME". I know we made the right decision for our family...but just not sure it was the right decision for ME. Does that make sense?? I know in my heart that I could not be happy in Champaign without my Mom...but I miss my family so much it hurts. I really want to raise my family around family...and unfortunately now we are not. It kind of sucks!!!

My Mom's best friend and her daughter are coming next week for 6 days...I am VERY excited about that!! It is going to be so nice to have someone here. Then in May my Uncle and Aunt are coming to stay with us for about 3-4 days and then head to Waco for Eric's graduation. Then Jason and the kids are going to Vegas for his brothers wedding while James and I stay home. His parents and sister are coming for Becca's first communion on the 21st right after the is sure to be a fun time!!! Then we are all heading back to Champaign right around June 12th for Eric's wedding...and the kids and I will stay probably till the 4th of July. Busy, busy times around here!! I will try to get better about this blogging thing. :)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

...another day!!

So, today is Tuesday, and it feels like it should be Friday. I am lucky that I'm not working right now, however there are a lot of times during the work week that I miss it!! I miss being around adults...don't get me wrong I absolutely love that I am home 3 days a week with James and I am home everyday when my kids get home from school. I don't know how we would function if I was working also right now.

But...there are days when I miss my girlfriends, especially my best Mom!! I miss talking about "girl" know...the things that you don't talk to "men" about. I miss those talks, those long intense talks, and the way that I felt when I was done talking. My mom was a great listener, she always had a positive look on life and when things were hard for me, my Mom would help me get through it. My Mom was the BEST!!!

There is a hole in my heart that just at times grows larger, and at time it feels like it's closing up a bit. Today it is WIDE open and my heart hurts. :(

Saturday, January 29, 2011


Right now I am sitting on my back porch watching my husband and oldest son work in the backyard, my daughter and youngest son play on the playscape and sand box. I am totally relaxed. Do I have lots to do in the house...absolutely!! Did I have plans for today...absolutely!! Did I enjoy sleeping in...pretty much!! Am I sad that my plans didn't happen...a little bit!! But right now, do I feel blessed...ABSOLUTELY!!!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


Do you ever give your husband hints? Do you make comments about things he does that ANNOY you, in the hopes that he will hear them and change? At times does it seem that no matter WHAT your husband does it bugs the HELL out of you??

That is where I am RIGHT now. I know I am a bit of a b*tch right now because I have my period...but come your eyes and see the big picture!!! Pick up after yourself!! Put things away after you use them!! If I cook dinner, do the dishes (this is a normal in our house, however lately...not so much...I seem to be doing it all). If I tell you that I am sad and lonely and depressed, open your eyes and your heart and don't "read into" only 1 line out of the email I sent you!!

Somedays I think it would be easier to be married to another woman...we think alike. I know marriage is hard, and it's even harder trying to handle life changing events, but MAN...this is REALLY difficult!!!!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Somedays it's unbelievable

Sometimes I just sit there and say to myself, "Is she really gone? She can't be. It's all been a dream, right?" Unfortunately it's not a dream. My heart is still broken, however I feel OK. I can't say that I feel good, or I'm handling things great...I'm pretty much just OK.

I did have a dream and she was in it last was the first time since she's passed away...and it was so amazing and seemed so real. Oh how I would LOVE to see her again, to talk to her again, to hug her again, to kiss her again...oh how much I would love to just tell her "I love you MOM!!"

Monday, January 10, 2011

New Years resolution

So...I decided what I was going to do for my New Year's resolution (besides the whole eating more healthy, lose weight, etc.)...and I am SO excited for it!!! I am going to try to not tell for a while, so I don't ruin it for those that are involved. :) If you really want to know you can ask...but I'm not going to put on here what it is. :)

I decided on doing something that if someone did it for me it would put a smile on my I am going to try to do it for others. I smile each time I think about we shall see how it goes. :)

I am so excited about it...I'd better get off here before I ruin my surprise!! :)

Sunday, January 9, 2011

New Years and what to do...

I am trying to figure out what I want to do for New Years. I don't want to make actual "resolutions"...I want to do something different. I'm thinking of a list of things that are achievable but I have to actually work for them. I hate saying the "normal" I'm going to lose weight, not spend as much, stick to a budget, etc., etc.

If you have any ideas or something that you are planning on doing...please let me know. I am open to suggestions!!!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Happy 8th Birthday Becca

Talk about time flying Miracle baby is 8 today!!! After 4 miscarriages I was told to look into donor eggs, adoption, told I would pretty much not be able to carry a child of my own...but even Doctors get it wrong sometimes!!!

You are never in a hurry. I went in at 7:30 for a Doctor's appointment and they sent me to the hospital to be induced because I had too much fluid, so they started the induction at 9am and you were born the following day at 4:00am. It took over 2 hours of pushing to bring you into this weren't in any hurry to get here...but I couldn't wait to have you and see your beautiful face!!

You are stubborn and head strong. You are always right...or at least you ALWAYS think you are. You always want the last word with everyone (including your teachers). In my opinion I think this is going to be a great trait for when you are older, you will know what you want and you will fight to get it. When you are need to listen to your elders. :)

You are beautiful!! You have an angel kiss on your forehead that I was so concerned about when you were little, all I wanted was for it to go away, and it did for the most part. However, lately I have seen it on your forehead a lot more...and now I know why you have was placed there so your Gee-ma could kiss you from Heaven. She's your angel...and she is still kissing you from up there!!

You are very smart!! And I am so proud of you for that!!! You get good grades and you LOVE school...keep it will take you FAR!!

You are all GIRL. Pink, Purple, dresses, skirts, dolls, dress-up, Barbies, Liv dolls, etc., etc

You are LOVED so much, and you LOVE others!! I knew I wanted you way before you were conceived, but I never knew how much I could love you, until you were born. You care about others and their feelings and you hate to disappoint or upset them. That is a true friend and a person that others want to be around...that is a trait that you inherited from your family!!

Happy Birthday my beautiful Daughter!!! I love you!!!!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

My baby turns 4 today little man is 4 today!! Where did the time go?? So much has happened in your 4 years here, I can't believe it.

When I found out I was pregnant with you I could not believe I was carrying a boy. I asked the nurse "are you sure?"...I swore you were a girl. :) At first I was unsure of having a baby boy, but the minute you were born I was sure glad you were YOU.

You have no patience...which from the minute my labor started I should have known. I kept telling the nurse "he's coming, he's coming, I'm not pushing, but he's coming"...and you were out in 2 pushes!! The Dr. barely had time to get ready.

You are head-strong and know what you want. You always have been, and I wouldn't think any different!!

You are loving and caring. You LOVE to snuggle with your Mom...however my snuggle time has gone down the older you get, you still love to give me hugs and "smoooches".

You are giving. You will give someone something for no reason other than you want to. You give without being asked, and that's something that we aren't used to in this house with your siblings. You are so giving...and this makes me extremely happy...I think you got that from your Gee-ma!!

You are ALL boy!! I enjoy watching you play, learn, and grow. You are completely different from your sister...she enjoys "girl" things and you are out there digging in the dirt, playing with cars, figuring out how things work, etc., etc. You pee standing up...and are very happy when there is one of those "stand up kind" in the public restrooms.

You make me smile!! And some days I really need it!!! I love you baby boy!!!
Happy Birthday!!!!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Catch up time

OK...I know I said I would be better about this...I'm sorry!!! We've had a busy month of December, so I will try to get it all down and add pictures. (I know...quit holding your breath...I think I can do it!!)

So, the month of December flew by us and was over before we knew it. We got back from Illinois at the end of November and knew that we only had about 3 weeks before our company got in town for the holidays. I worked hard at getting the house in order and presents bought and that was how I spent most of the beginning of the month. I also started baking and using Mom's Kitchenaid stand mixer a lot...which by the way...I am in LOVE with!! Cooking and baking have been something that keeps me occupied and I seem to be that is something positive for me!! :)

The kids finished up school in December with parties and such and then we were off to Dallas to pick up Kent for the holidays on Sunday the 19th. He flew in on Monday morning and we then headed home with a stop in Waco to see Baylor and to go through the Texas Ranger Museum (not the baseball team). He seemed to have a great time here, and the kids thoroughly enjoyed having him. He went on walks to the park, played Wii, and just hung out with them...which they LOVED. He made memories with them that they will have forever...which was really good for all of us, especially this year.

It was just the 6 of us for Christmas, Katie and Troy were leaving Illinois on Monday after Christmas and heading down. I thought Christmas went very well...and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. We opened presents, had breakfast, hung out and played all day, and then had beef brisket for dinner. It was a great day!!! Katie and Troy got here on tuesday afternoon and we hung out a lot and didn't do a whole lot of was really nice!!!! New Year's Eve we hung out here at our house and played games and ate and had a great day.

Everyone packed up and left Saturday morning around 11am...and I went into depression and didn't get out of bed till Sunday was terrible. My cousin's wife wrote me a note and pretty much summed it all up: I put off dealing with my mom not being with us on Christmas and New Years because we had company and I was so excited to have people down here with us, then when they left I dealt with all of the emotions of them leaving and the emotions of my Mom not here much to comprehend or deal with (at least in my opinion)

So, we are back into our "normal" routine, or at least as normal as I can right now. It's very lonely down here with no family and also really with no friends. I am not the most outgoing person, and I am home all I don't have a lot of chances to make friends. I will happen...but sometimes I get really down just trying to get through the day. Anyways...that is where we are and where we have been for the month of December. 2 birthdays tomorrow and Friday...Wow...where does the time go?? My babies are another year older!! Now some pictures:

The kids with Papa at the Texas Ranger Museum

Kent and the Brazos (there is a Country song about the Brazos and he wanted his picture by it)

The kids with Santa at Jason's work

All of us at the Bass Pro Shop