My baby and T-ball

My baby had his first T-ball game today...and yes he would be YELLING at me if he could read since he "is not a baby anymore!" :) I was so proud of him. He was a bit timid in the beginning, but came out of his shell and did really well by the end. He even ran up and got the ball before a bigger kid got it!! Way to go!!

I sit and look at him and wonder "how can I keep him just like this?" I'm not ready for him to grow up and not need me as much anymore. He is still my baby, and always will be. He did inform me that I will be the only girl he ever kisses...how long do you think that will last?? And he did tell me that he wishes he was a girl because he doesn't want to be a daddy that has to go to work, he wants to be a stay at home Mommy!! :) Maybe I am doing something right?!!!

Visitors are gone...back to normal

Visitors are GREAT!!! But man, it's sad when they leave!! Becky Jane and Alyssa came last Thursday and left yesterday...it was a great visit. For those of you who don't know who they are...Becky Jane is my Mom's best friend (for 50+years) and Alyssa is her daughter. It was a lot of fun showing them around San Antonio and showing them our "life" here...how it is non-stop all the time. :) We did a lot...I'm sure they need to rest after their vacation, we had them on the go a lot!

But...when they leave...it's sad!! Yesterday I did pretty good, and I think having a Doctors appt right after they left and softball practice last night helped a lot. Today all the kids went to school and Jason went to work...so the house was QUIET!! I really enjoy quiet, however, today it seems too quiet.

My Doctor put me on a higher dose of Wellbutrin, so we will see if that helps. She wants me to feel "good" and "motivated". I felt "pretty good", but not "motivated" at all...so she increased the meds. She also put me on a sleep pill to help with sleep. I can get tired about 9pm, however if I don't go to bed (somedays we don't even have the kids in bed yet) and stay up later I get my 2nd wind and can't seem to fall asleep till 2-3am and then I am up at 7am. So...4-5 hours of sleep are not good!! So I am going to take them for a week and then hopefully my sleep schedule will reset and I can just take them as needed. We shall see. Last night I slept for a GOOD 7 hours...that was nice, and I haven't been tired so far today.

I always wanted my kids to be "involved"...but man, it would just be nice to be able to stay home for longer than 12 hours at a time. :) Oh well...I guess this is what it is to be parents to active kids. :)

I'm still here!!

I know it's been a long time since I've posted...I'm sorry!!! Not a whole lot has been going on here...at least it doesn't feel like it. :) Let's see...I will try to update!!

Me- I am now taking Wellbutrin to help with the depression. I think it is helping, but at times I still get pretty upset and cry a lot. :( I also am SO sleepy all the time...I don't know if that is part of the side effects or what...but there are days that I feel like I could sleep all day. My New Year's resolution is going well...I am sending notes/cards to important women in my life every day for the rest of the year. I am really enjoying this and have received some really nice letters from some really WONDERFUL women!!! I am hoping I make them smile...that is my goal. :) I still miss my Mom, however we talk about her usually daily and I am able to do it without crying each time. My mom is my best friend...granted I can't talk to her daily like I used to, but I still talk to her in heaven every day. My biggest fear is that my kids will forget who she was and not remember how much she loved them. How can I make sure that they will remember her forever??

Jason- he is doing well. Work is going well. He is leaving on Monday to head back to Champaign for a couple of days...and oh how I wish I was going with him!!! He is going to stay with my step-dad and Tuesday night he is going to go out with him to watch my sister and brother in law bowl. And man...do I wish I was going to be there. I miss my sister a lot!!!

Bradley- still having trouble with school. Is failing 3 classes right now...however in 2 weeks he is going to start going to a Psychiatrist to get started on some medication to help with some issues. I hope it will help...he is struggling a lot.

Rebecca- started softball this week...and I got roped in to be her coach...gotta love that!! :) School is going great for her. She is such a smart little girl...she get so proud of herself when she does well. She is out playing pretty much everyday with the little girl 2 doors down...they have a great time together, which is really good.

James- started t-ball this week...and he is also looking forward to playing. He is doing well also. He loves Zoo School and I think he will be devastated when it ends for the year. We are going to sign him up for it again next year...which I have gone back and forth on if he needs more than just 2 days a week...we shall see. Kindergarten will be here before I know it. My baby can't be growing up!!!

Texas is OK. I still don't consider it "HOME". I know we made the right decision for our family...but just not sure it was the right decision for ME. Does that make sense?? I know in my heart that I could not be happy in Champaign without my Mom...but I miss my family so much it hurts. I really want to raise my family around family...and unfortunately now we are not. It kind of sucks!!!

My Mom's best friend and her daughter are coming next week for 6 days...I am VERY excited about that!! It is going to be so nice to have someone here. Then in May my Uncle and Aunt are coming to stay with us for about 3-4 days and then head to Waco for Eric's graduation. Then Jason and the kids are going to Vegas for his brothers wedding while James and I stay home. His parents and sister are coming for Becca's first communion on the 21st right after the wedding...it is sure to be a fun time!!! Then we are all heading back to Champaign right around June 12th for Eric's wedding...and the kids and I will stay probably till the 4th of July. Busy, busy times around here!! I will try to get better about this blogging thing. :)

...another day!!

So, today is Tuesday, and it feels like it should be Friday. I am lucky that I'm not working right now, however there are a lot of times during the work week that I miss it!! I miss being around adults...don't get me wrong I absolutely love that I am home 3 days a week with James and I am home everyday when my kids get home from school. I don't know how we would function if I was working also right now.

But...there are days when I miss my girlfriends, especially my best friend...my Mom!! I miss talking about "girl" things...you know...the things that you don't talk to "men" about. I miss those talks, those long intense talks, and the way that I felt when I was done talking. My mom was a great listener, she always had a positive look on life and when things were hard for me, my Mom would help me get through it. My Mom was the BEST!!!

There is a hole in my heart that just at times grows larger, and at time it feels like it's closing up a bit. Today it is WIDE open and my heart hurts. :(

Blessed

Right now I am sitting on my back porch watching my husband and oldest son work in the backyard, my daughter and youngest son play on the playscape and sand box. I am totally relaxed. Do I have lots to do in the house...absolutely!! Did I have plans for today...absolutely!! Did I enjoy sleeping in...pretty much!! Am I sad that my plans didn't happen...a little bit!! But right now, do I feel blessed...ABSOLUTELY!!!

Hints

Do you ever give your husband hints? Do you make comments about things he does that ANNOY you, in the hopes that he will hear them and change? At times does it seem that no matter WHAT your husband does it bugs the HELL out of you??

That is where I am RIGHT now. I know I am a bit of a b*tch right now because I have my period...but come on...open your eyes and see the big picture!!! Pick up after yourself!! Put things away after you use them!! If I cook dinner, do the dishes (this is a normal in our house, however lately...not so much...I seem to be doing it all). If I tell you that I am sad and lonely and depressed, open your eyes and your heart and don't "read into" only 1 line out of the email I sent you!!

Somedays I think it would be easier to be married to another woman...we think alike. I know marriage is hard, and it's even harder trying to handle life changing events, but MAN...this is REALLY difficult!!!!

Somedays it's unbelievable

Sometimes I just sit there and say to myself, "Is she really gone? She can't be. It's all been a dream, right?" Unfortunately it's not a dream. My heart is still broken, however I feel OK. I can't say that I feel good, or I'm handling things great...I'm pretty much just OK.

I did have a dream and she was in it last night...it was the first time since she's passed away...and it was so amazing and seemed so real. Oh how I would LOVE to see her again, to talk to her again, to hug her again, to kiss her again...oh how much I would love to just tell her "I love you MOM!!"